If Only
by Anastasia S
Summary: Puzzle the Donkey has to face Aslan, and he reflects on what he could've done to prevent it. Puzzle POV.


-1_**Disclaimer-**Even though the book in which these events take place is my favorite in the whole series, I don't want to take credit for the original idea. That honor belongs to C.S. Lewis. _

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. I can see Him looking this way. There He is, right there in front of me; in front of all of us. Maybe if I slouch a little, He won't notice me. Oh, I do hope He doesn't call my name. I mean, I never meant for what happened to go so far.

My name is Puzzle, and I'm a donkey. But you probably didn't need to know that, and you probably don't care anyway. I'm not very intelligent; I don't know very much about anything. My best friend's name was Shift, and he was an ape. But he isn't my friend anymore; he made me do some stuff that I didn't really want to do, and he got in huge trouble for it. Those things that he made me do are the reason I'm standing here now, trying to keep out of sight of Him. Yeah, you know who I mean-The Great Lion. Aslan.

If only I hadn't listened to Shift that day at Cauldron Pool, none of this would have ever happened. He said that Aslan wanted me to dress up in that lion skin. Oh, that infernal lion skin; how I wish we'd never found it. But it just had to be floating in the water on the very day that we were walking by the Pool, and I just had to retrieve it for Shift because of his weak chest. That water was bitterly cold! When I finally did get it for him, and he discovered what it was, I saw the look in his eyes that meant he was up to something. If only I'd been intelligent enough to know what.

Shift sewed up that lion-skin for me, and tried to make me think that it was a winter coat to keep me warm. I didn't want it to all; I was perfectly happy with my own coat of donkey hair. He called me ungrateful, and so I let him put it on me. After all, he was the only friend I had, and I didn't know I was being ungrateful. But the worst was yet to come. He said I looked just like the Great Lion. In that moment, I knew I wanted that thing off and I never wanted to see it again. But I supposed Shift knew better than me. I heard the thunder, and I was quite certain that what we were doing was completely wrong, but I felt helpless. And so, I went along with Shift's plan to pretend to be Aslan and set things right, as he called it, in Narnia.

I'm still trying to stay away from Aslan, but I fear it's no good. Oh dear, he's looking right at me.

"Puzzle, come here." Oh no. He called my name. Whatever shall I do? I suppose there's nothing I can do but go to Him. I do wish I knew what He was going to do to me. I just hope he doesn't turn me into a dumb beast right here in front of everyone. Well, here I go, though I know I must be walking to my doom.

If only I'd spoken up that first night at the midnight bonfire. Shift made me come out dressed in that itchy lion skin in front of all those Talking Beasts and Calormenes, and he made me promise not to speak or do anything except stand there silently. The other animals saw me and covered in fear, thinking I really was Aslan. I was so miserable that I just wanted to go back in that horrible dark stable; after all, it was better than being out here where I could easily be exposed. I whispered to Shift that I wanted to go back in, and he appeared willing to let me, but apparently he only seemed that way, for I didn't get clean water to drink for the rest of the time that I stayed there.

I'm getting closer and closer to Aslan now. I can see everyone looking at me and moving out of the way to make room. There's Queen Lucy, King Edmund, and High King Peter standing close to the front. I think the Queen looks a bit teary. She's very tenderhearted. I feel ashamed with every step I take, as I pass all the famous Narnians from the past who never did a thing half as bad as what I've done.

If only I had let King Tirian kill me the night I was rescued. Sure, I was glad to be rid of that filthy stable, but if I had been dead, maybe I would've faced Aslan sooner. It wouldn't have been any better for me, I suppose, but at least I could've let Him punish me in private instead of in front of all these people. But again, I was a coward. Thank goodness that girl Jill was there to reason with King Tirian; she understood me. If only I'd known that things would've turned out this way.

If only I had jumped out of the darkness behind that stable when we had to return to face Shift and the Calormenes. But Shift and that Cat, Ginger, were busy telling a lie about me that made it look like dressing up as Aslan was my idea! For the third time, I backed away. I didn't want to die then, but now, I feel like I should've. Besides, what good would it have done? I was still wearing the lion skin, so nobody would have believed me. I was glad to see Shift thrown into the stable, but when I saw that flash of light and heard that sound, I was frightened. Later, when Aslan called the faithful Narnians home at the end of the world, I was surprised He even let me in. I hadn't done anything to deserve it.

Well, here I am, standing in front of Him. That long walk up here was horrible, but it was nothing compared to now. He looks at me, and is silent. Please, Aslan, I'm thinking, just get it over with. He is so much bigger than I, but He leans down close to me.

"I am disappointed in you, Puzzle," He says. "You are more intelligent than you think, and you should have known."

I knew He'd be angry at me. My heart is sinking, and I wish I wasn't here. But Aslan isn't finished.

"However, you need no longer worry," He finishes. "Go and be at peace. All is forgiven."

He breathes on me, and in that moment, I know that what He says is true. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to forget what I've done, but I know I don't need to worry about it. Aslan said to be at peace. And so, I head back to join the crowd, treasuring what He told me. All has been forgiven.


End file.
